5 months of Oliver

It doesn't seem possible that 5 months has already passed since we brought this little man of ours into the world and in to our lives. Over the last 5 months we have learned a lot. The first month we learned that we could be parents. All of those fears we had while Oliver was baking in my belly seemed to disappear once he was here and of course new ones replaced those. Galen transformed from my husband to my rockstar baby daddy, while continuing to be an amazing husband. I surprised myself in those first few weeks at how quickly I went from some girl to mommy. I have loved every minute of it. Those sleepless nights, the cuddles, the slobber, the vomit oh and one can't forget the being pee'd and pooped on, but nothing beats when he looks at me and smiles his big smile or giggles. Every minute of it has been an amazing blessing. I have become a softy, sometimes I find myself teary eyed over how much I adore him. Oliver has amazed us in these past few months and continues to daily. He is already sitting up, rolling over, Army crawling (just a few feet) and getting a personality. Oh yes and he has been teething already :( no teeth to show for his pain just yet though. He adores mornings. He is my alarm clock, between 7 and 8 every morning he wakes up jibber jabbering and giggling. My heart literally melts, as I roll over and look in his cradle at him kicking and grabbing his feet. All I can do is smile. No matter how tired I am or how badly I just want 5 more minutes of sleep I hear that and then he smiles at me and nothing in the world matters but that moment with him. I never knew I could love someone as much as I love this little guy. It physically hurts (good hurt). I also never knew I could love Galen more than I already did. But my heart continues to be filled with love by these two boys.

Most recently, we have learned what it is to be a working mom and a nursing working mom at that. This is still a chapter we are writing.

You love to sit up and stand, you chew on your hand all the time, you talk a lot and giggle a lot. You are so curious. You love to look out the window in the car. You love birds. Lately you don't like to be put down unless someone is right there. Sometimes you "fake" cry until one of us comes in to view and then you stop and smile or giggle. I think you may have us wrapped around your tiny little fingers:) You have found that pulling mom's hair is fun. You seem to recognize your name. You play with your toys all the time and bath time is still your favorite. Your favorite book is still "Green Eggs and Ham". I love to snuggle and play with you and just watch you grow. Mornings are our time. You melt daddy's heart with your smile and you always have a big cheesy grin for him. You are such a blessing. We love you so much.

Love you to the moon and back a bajillion times little man!

XOXOX

Mommy

16 weeks...and it's a....

Boy!! We got to find out at our 16 week appointment that you were in fact a little boy!! This time you looked just like a little baby. You are the size of an avocado but you look just like the baby we will soon snuggle. Your umbilical cord was between your legs but the tech says your a boy!! So daddy and I have been trying to come up with the perfect name for you. Daddy says he is gonna teach you to golf.  The dr. says you look great and says the next time we will look at all your organs and everything to make sure you are growing perfectly.

Morning sickness has pretty much gone but mommy had the flu for a week (week 15) and couldn't eat for 5 days and lost a lot of weight. Mommy and daddy were terrified, daddy called grandpa Carl to find out what we should do and he had us get some pedilite to stay hydrated and to call the baby dr. So we did and the since we had an appointment a couple days later they said they would check us out then to keep doing what grandpa Carl said. We were still worried when we went in at 16 weeks but dr. assured us you looked healthy and had a strong heartbeat. So that made us feel better. But we were still left worried about you.

Mommy got clumbsy around 18 weeks. She was taking the trash out and was going to let Mack (your doggy) out with her and then a little kid ran by so she turned to push Mack back in and slipped off of the little step and pulled the door shut on her middle finger. It hurt really bad so she went to the dr. the next day and it was shattered. Mommy gets to wear a splint for a month. Lots of people tease her that she flipped the wrong person off.

Now we are almost to our 20 week appointment. I finally got a belly. I went to Salt Lake without daddy and I came home and he was like holy cow, baby grew!! Yep you sure did! Now, I get these little weird twinges/bubbles/spasms/bumps, consistently for the last few days and have a hard time sleeping cuz I get so excited when I feel them... I am not sure how to explain them but I think they are you. I feel them mainly at night when I am sitting or laying down. I decided you take after Grandma Leslye as she too is a night owl. We get to see you again in about 2 days. I am so excited to see you again. I am so excited that I will soon be able to really feel your kicks and know it is you. I just love you so much and can't wait to see you. Mommy and daddy still can't decide the perfect name for you. But we will.

Morning sickness and our 2nd ultrasound.

The morning sickness got worse around week 8-9 and they gave me anti nausea meds so I could keep food and water down. It helped. But still I was thankful I could tell you were still in there growing. We went to our next appt. It was about 10 weeks. We got to see you again because I had a cyst in my first ultrasound and they wanted to monitor it just to be safe. We were surprised to get to see you again but super excited. This time you looks like a baby. Daddy filmed it and we tried to send it out. You flipped around and did somersaults like crazy. I laughed and said no wonder I have been sick all this time:) Again, we were even more in love with you, you were so real now. I would rub my belly and daddy kissed it and we talk to you. We are so excited to meet you!!

Your first picture....

At 6 weeks we had our first ultrasound of baby Melina. It was just this tiny little grain of rice. But had a super strong heartbeat. It was amazing. Daddy cried, mommy cried and we just held hands looking at the screen! Dr. said that everything looked great and explained the risks and had us make our next appt.  We were on a high... it was getting real. We saw you, you were really in there, growing!! I was still terrified that something would happen. Soon after this I began getting morning sickness. I threw up all day long. But every time I threw up I was reminded you were in there and you were growing and that morning sickness was a good thing. So when I couldn't see you, I still felt some comfort knowing I was throwing up because of you. We loved you instantly! We guessed that you were a boy but we just wanted a healthy baby we didn't care if you were a boy or girl. We were just so excited to have you.

First dr appointment...

I called Monday morning and told them I was pregnant and they made an appointment for a few days later. We went in and they did family history and blood work. Galen asks if they are going to do a pregnancy test and the PA says no that home tests these days are pretty accurate and since by now I was almost a week late, all signs point to yes. So he clarifies so we are gonna have a baby? She's all yep and he smiles and says "I just wanna make sure we are really gonna do this thing!" She giggles and says yes you are!! We leave and are super excited but still so nervous. I think every time I pee'd I made sure there was no blood. I was terrified actually.

Story of how we got here....

I was reading some of my journaling from about this time last year. About this time last year I was just being diagnosed with massive complex cysts and hormone issues and possibly had cancer. I was also told that I would probably never have a baby and for sure not on our own. One dr. called it PCOS because of the amount of cysts I produce but said I didn't fit the norm for it. So really they don't know what it is/was but just wanted to give it a label. I was immediately started on Clomid and told if we wanted any chance of having a baby it was no or never....

After about 5-6 cycles of Clomid and still lots of pain and no results and a Dr. that didn't know why he was seeing me. Let alone he told me I might have cancer and needed to be screened for the next year... I found a new dr. This dr. gave me hope when I had lost it. He told me looking at my charts and stuff that he didn't see anything that was too concerning or that ruled out kids. He ran blood tests, ultrasound and got me in for a HSG scan to make sure I didn't have other things going on that were being masked by my cysts and what not. Then he called me a couple days later and said my hormones were a lot more normal than the past and my ultrasound showed my cyst was smaller but still there and explained that the cyst can make their own hormones or stop normal production. So he recommended that I remain on some kind of fertility treatment due to no success with Clomid and that my progesterone was on the low side and agreed that I should start trying now due to the history of complex cysts and all that. But first Galen had to be checked too... Poor Galen. He was a trooper but I felt bad for him and his sperm test. The next week we went in and Galen was normal so we were able to continue with his treatment plan. He put me on something beginning with a L and said that the good news is that for the next 90 days due to the HSG my fertility would be hire because it clears your fallopian tubes and your uterus out and then add the other fertility meds I would have more of a chance. He explained that normal people have a 15% chance of getting pregnant each month and I was way below that and this would put me back up to about a 10% which is pretty good considering. So we waited and start the meds. He said in 90 days we would re-evalutate because with conditions like me he doesn't like to do the same thing for more than 3 months. So Galen and I talked and with the emotional state I was in after months of Clomid and the strain it put on me that we would due the 90 days and then decide. In my mind it was 90 days and then stop because I didn't think I could take it anymore.

It was a Sunday the first of July... I was off work and we were headed to breakfast and then grocery shopping and so since I needed to fill my meds again and you have to test before taking them I was like I gotta pee so I will just test and call in my RX so we can pick it up while we are on that side of town. Instantly it was a pregnant sign... I looked at it in disbelief, it had only been 1 month.... I walked in to Galen's bathroom and set it on the counter cuz I couldn't talk and he flips around and says is that good? that's good right? And I finally get out we are pregnant! He hugs me and says he loves me. We tested again a few times just to be sure. All were yes!! He was dying to tell people so he texted his family and I sent mine a pic of the pregnant test. His mom called immediately and was so happy. My family didn't respond... Finally I call and my mom's phone wasn't getting the picture. After sending it multiple times I finally sent it to my aunt and SIL. Luckily my whole family was together and they were all so excited. My mom is really the only one that knows what all I have went thru and I probably haven't even explained it all as it was so hard to talk about with out crying so most of them were in disbelief that we decided to have a baby.... but oh sooooo happy and excited!!! I was nervous about telling anyone before 13 weeks because of miscarriage and what not but Galen was like we need the happy news and we need the support if something bad happens so that made me feel better. We told a couple close friends too and then waited till the 12 weeks to tell the world after the dr said it was very minimal chance to miscarry now:)

Round 2....

Here we come... No babies this month. I am fairly certain I still haven't ovulated so I should probably make an appointment if I don't again this month but honestly I am so sick of drs... plus I am dreading my next visit as I have to have blood I am getting so much anxiety thinking about having to start the clomid again. Holy crap it makes me so stinking sensitive and depressed. I know that why I/we are going through seems so horrible and so sad but then I hear about other people that have had so many miscarriages and so on that this seems almost like cake. I know that is weird but my heart goes out to these ladies. I am thankful that we are being given the chance to at least try on our own before I can't have kids even if we only get to have one healthy baby I will be happy.

That is actually the first time I have really thought that out loud. I know that eventually if the pain keeps up I will have to have surgery and most likely that means removing my ovary and possibly both depending on the size of the masses/cysts. Growing up I was always around kids and never really thought I would be a mom because I was so into wanting a career, to travel etc... all things that having kids wouldn't be "easy". Then being told you may never be able to have your own kids is something I don't know if you will ever get over and it is so true you always desperately want what you cannot have. Every day I am thankful for Galen and thankful that he was adopted into an amazing family and can truly remind me that it is not over, that we still have options.

I know as hard as this is on me it is probably even harder on Galen. I tend to push people away and I hate to talk about my feelings especially when they make me cry. I know he wishes he could stop my pain (emotional and physical) but it's so hard to express to him how thankful I am for him and everything he does. I know that yoga has helped me find something to occupy my mind and I am in a much better place than I was a couple months ago.